


natural

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Abortion, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mpreg, Vomiting, mentions of intersex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 13:29:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21410953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: dan and phil discover something new that will change their lives forever
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 137





	natural

Phil wakes with a start.

He usually does, if it’s not Dan kicking him in the shins with his long, gangly, spider legs, it’s usually some strange dream that’s been so extremely intricate for his brain to handle, then he’s used to a jolt awake.

But this morning is different.

He’s sitting up, a stab in his stomach is what makes him sit up and grit his teeth.

It’s painful. It’s like his tummy is twisted and it just won’t settle.

Dan is fast asleep beside him. He’s oblivious to the world right now as his mouth hangs open just the right amount for a little sliver of saliva to drool down his cheek. The pillow has a little damp patch from his dribbling but ten years together have gotten Phil used to the fact that his boyfriend drools in his sleep like a big messy dog.

The stabbing pain comes back and Phil clutches at his stomach like it’s going to help with the pain that’s building there now.

Dan turns over in his sleep, smacking his lips together when he knee connects with Phil’s balls, causing him to let out a yelp.

Dan wakes, blearily blinking his eyes with a flutter of his long dark lashes, and if Phil wasn’t so concerned with the cocktail of pain he’s feeling in his stomach and in his balls right now he’d probably appreciate how pretty Dan looks right now. 

But instead, he looks at him through narrowed eyes.

Dan sits up on one elbow and uses a knuckle to run at his eyes.

“What?” He asks, voice low and sleepy.

“You,” Phil says through his teeth. “You kicked me in the balls and my tummy really hurts.”

Dan frowns at him before he’s sitting up and reaching under the covers.

Phil still has a hand splayed out across his stomach, confused as to what Dan is doing and before he can ask what he’s up to he feels a large warm hand cup at him through his pants.

“Dan!” Phil exclaims, rolling away from him.

“What?” Dan replies. He has a horny look about him, a devilish smirk that tells Phil that he’s gonna be at it all day today, like some rabid dog that won’t stop humping at his leg.

Phil scoffs, and rolls away from until he’s on his side, curled up in a little ball.

“Not right now,” Phil tells him in a firm but quiet voice. “I have a bad tummy.”

It hurts for real; the pain is worsening and it feels like his insides are being scraped out with a soup spoon but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t play it all up to eleven just for the satisfaction of having Dan baby over him.

Sure enough, he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder as Dan leans over him.

“Do you want paracetamol?” He asks, leaning in to kiss at Phil’s shoulder where his pyjama t-shirt cuts off.

Phil turns his head to look at him, making sure to give him the puppy eyes and pout.

Dan kisses him again, his lips linger against his skin when he mumbles, “Okay. I’ll get you tea and medicine. Stay here, alright?”

Phil hums, resting his head against the pillow as he hears Dan get up beside him. Not before however there’s a hand on his ass, a thumb dipping into the waistband of his pants and Dan’s croaky voice in his ear.

“Sorry about your balls, also. You can do whatever you want to my balls later on if you want.”

Pain momentarily forgotten Phil twists around to look at him and give him a grin.

“Shush, you,” Phil tells him, and with that Dan is crawling out of bed and throwing on a hoodie and leaving the room. Phil is sure to watch his long legs as the exit out of his sight.

He sighs and sits back again. His stomach does another funny turn and he groans, pushing his face into the pillow where he lets out a long, heavy sigh.

*

The tea and the medicine help, only for a few hours and when Phil is sat on the sofa watching TV it comes back. This time the pain seems to radiate all through his lower back. He grumbles as Dan sets down his laptop to look at him.

“Does it still hurt?”

Phil closes his eyes and takes a steady breath. “Mmh.”

He opens them again to see the worried loon Dan has on his face. His bottom lip is chewed and bitten.

“Do you think you’ll be sick? Like a bug or something?”

Phil shakes his head. “Doesn’t feel like that,” he says with a frown. “Just feels uncomfy.”

Dan’s expression only grows darker. “You should see a doctor, I’ll book you in.”

He’s already reaching for his phone when Phil stops him with a hand on his wrist.

“No,” Phil tells him with a shake of his head. “Maybe my jeans are just too tight. Maybe I just have gas,” he shrugs.

Dan’s eyes flit Phil’s eyes and Phil’s crotch and for once it’s totally unsexy.

He sighs. “Go get some sweatpants on,” Dan tells him. “Mine are on the drawers, maybe that’ll make you feel better.”

Phil smiles at him and gets up. “Thanks,” he says, pressing a kiss into Dan’s curls as he moves past him.

*

The sweatpants do work a little and after some time he takes another painkiller which is enough to ease the unsettled feeling he has and makes him feel a tad drowsy.

He has a small dinner and Dan is persistent on him drinking enough water each hour.

Phil complies because it makes him feel better that Dan is feeling better about it.

*

When they’re getting into bed, when the sun is already low and the sky is a dark blue, Phil catches the anxious look Dan has etched across his face as they pull back the covers to crawl in. The orange glow of his bedside lamp is just enough to show up the deep creases of his concern between his brows.

Phil lets out a sigh, and Dan is too deep in his thoughts to really pay attention as he settles in next to Phil.

He doesn’t look up until Phil is placing a hand on his bare thigh.

“Would you stop worrying? Your face is gonna get stuck like that if you don’t stop.”

Dan’s hand comes over to wrap Phil’s hand. 

“Sorry,” he breathes, giving Phil’s hand a quick squeeze. “I did a google search and completely spiralled.”

Phil gives him a half disappointed look. “Dan,” he shakes his head. “WebMD is my thing, you know that.”

That earns a small smile out of Dan and it makes Phil smile back. His tummy doesn’t even hurt that bad anymore.

“Sorry. I’m being a baby. You’re not well and I’m making it about me again.”

There’s a tone of insecurity laced into his voice that Phil is able to recognise easily. His smile falters, only for a second before he’s letting his hand slip from Dan’s and he’s swinging his legs over to straddle Dan, who gives a little squeak of surprise and then a hot huff of laughter.

“I love you,” Phil tells him, reaching up to cup both sides of his face. It’s something they both know; a statement neither of them need reminding of and can be told in so many more ways than just words, but sometimes it just feels nice to say them out loud, just so he can see the way Dan’s face goes soft with fondness and he gets that sappy look about him that Phil is sure he’s mirroring.

“I love you too,” Dan whispers. “How are you feeling?”

Phil leans down and kisses him, slow and sweet and deliciously.

“Way better,” he says once he’s pulled away. Dan’s eyes are a little hooded and he has a blush on his cheeks that is pretty.

Dan’s hands come down to rest at Phil’s sides, giving his love handles a gentle squeeze.

“Better enough for—“ Dan begins to ask but Phil’s already kissing him again. It’s a little horny and needy but they’re both giggling when Phil pulls himself up and nods.

“Whatever you have in mind, then yes. I am.”

*

Turns out the ‘better enough for’ includes Dan fucking into Phil. He starts off riding him until he grows tired, gets winey about his legs aching and Dan is compliant to let him pull off and lay down where he settles himself between his legs and pushes in and out with purpose.

It’s a bit desperate and needy and Phil embeds his nails into the skin of Dan’s back and lets himself go as he feels Dan drive in and out of him. It’s hot and amazing and they come together, making a mess of one another. Phil squeezes around Dan as he finishes and Dan thanks him a couple of times through breathy words. Dan is kissing Phil still even when he pulls out and they laugh and kiss and touch some more.

Eventually, once they’re cleaned up and no longer breathless and boneless, they fall asleep, together in each other’s arms where Phil feels safest. 

*

The stomach ache is seemingly long forgotten. He wakes up each morning with no problem in his gut and soon enough the mere idea of it all falls out of his brain, uncaring.

Dan even seems to drop it after he’s asked Phil a million questions about his symptoms, and once it’s clear the problem has gone, they go back to normal. Phil works hard on video ideas and Dan’s in the middle of merch design. Life is comfortably busy, just the way Phil likes it.

That is until one morning Phil wakes up in excruciating pain.

It’s enough to wake Dan up too, and whilst Phil is doubled over, clutching his stomach he feels a hand on his back.

“Phil? Are you okay?”

Dan’s voice is on the edge of panic, and Phil only has a split second of pity for him as he probably worries himself to death, before Phil’s stomach lurches and he’s throwing up all over himself.

He hears Dan gasp beside him, and Phil is pulling himself up off the bed, cringing at the wet squish of his pyjamas as he stumbles to the ensuite where he practically falls to the bathroom floor and grips the toilet bowl with white knuckles and he’s throwing up again.

Dan, of course, is behind him the entire time with a hand rubbing slow circles on his back and soothing words that seem too fuzzy and far away for Phil to hear or comprehend.

When he stands back up after some time he sways. Dan is there to hold onto his arm as the world seems to shift under his feet.

“I’m gonna pass out,” Phil tells him. His voice doesn’t sound right in his head; slurred and unclear but Dan must understand him well enough before he’s holding Phil with both hands in a vice-like grip as he leads them out of the bathroom and back to the bed.

Phil is a few steps away from falling into a soft mattress when his legs buckle underneath him and he’s falling. His ears ring and his vision goes black and blurry around the edges as he hits the floor.

The world is engulfed in a dead silence before he hears Dan’s scream.

*

When Phil wakes he doesn’t feel anything. His limbs are numb and tingly and his head feels floaty like it might just fly away up towards the sky or something.

His tongue feels weirdly large inside his mouth and he lets out a groan of discomfort at the itchy feeling he has on his skin.

He doesn’t realise he’s in a hospital until he cracks his eyes open and sees the white, clinical room surrounding him.

He squints until his vision stops being blurry and he’s able to make out the Dan shaped body slumped into the chair beside him, eyes closed and seemingly sleeping. 

His neck is crooked and his mouth still hangs open like it does every time he’s sleeping.

He smiles as he watches him there, still and motionless

“Dan.”

His scratchy voice is all it takes for the man beside him to wake up, snapping his head up and blinking around the room with a bewilderment that could resemble a puppy’s.

He looks at Phil and his face falls, crumples even, and before Phil can ask if he’s alright, Dan’s choking out a sob and lunging forward, wrapping his arms around him.

Phil still feels delicate and tired but he’s able to get an arm around Dan, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

“Hey,” Phil says into the crook of his neck. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”

Dan pulls away and wipes at his nose with the back of his hand and big brown water coloured eyes flicker over his face.

“You scared the absolute shit out of me,” Dan tells him with a wobbly voice, his bottom lip juts out. 

Phil reaches his hand out as Dan pulls the chair closer to his bed and takes his hand in his.

“I should go get a nurse,” Dan tells him as he runs his thumb over his hand. It warm in comparison to his cold skin.

Phil wines and moans but eventually lets him go to go fetch a doctor. He returns with a doctor that has glasses perched on the end of his nose and a kind smile.

He taps at the clipboard in his hands with the end of his pen and he circles the bed.

“Mr Lester, it’s good to see you awake,” he speaks with a smile and Phil’s not sure if his demeanour is supposed to make him feel more at ease but the entire hospital puts him on edge either way. The beeping of machines and the idea that death and disease lurks around each corner is enough to make him want to curl up and hide until his blanket.

“My name is Doctor Parsons, you were admitted to St Thomas’ Hospital this morning after you had apparently fainted after vomiting a few times,” he tells Phil. 

All the memories from today come edging back to him, the fog in his head unclear. 

“We ran some tests when you came in and we detected that you were probably highly dehydrated which would determine as to why your blood sugar levels may be so low, and after we run some tests we can make sure they’re back to normal, okay?”

Phil looks to Dan who has sat back down on his seat. His lip is worried between his teeth and there’s a deep line running between his brows.

“Okay,” Phil croaks as he shuffles on the bed awkwardly

Doctor Pearson gives him another kind smile as he reads more things on his board, peering over his glasses.

“So we’ll do a blood test, make sure everything is running smoothly and you should be able to go home pretty soon.”

Phil thanks him and so does Dan before the doctor leaves, promising them that a nurse should be with them shortly.

When he leaves Phil sighs, flopping back against the bed as if all the tension had bled out of him finally. 

Dan moves closer to him and takes his hand in his, pressing the back of his hand to his lips for a long kiss.

“How’re you feeling?” Dan mumbles, lips tickling the skin there.

“Tired. Scared. Everything all at once.”

Dan’s face only becomes worse with concern.

“And your stomach? Does it still hurt?” 

Phil doesn’t get the chance to answer before a nurse is bustling into the room with a little trolley that rattles as she brings it to the other side of the bed.

They exchange pleasantries and the nurse explains that she’ll be taking a little amount of blood for testing which will take about two hours.

She gets the needle and the little tube thingy ready and Phil watches through gritted teeth, preparing himself for the small amount of pain he’s ready for this kind nurse to inflict on him, just as Dan takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

The nurse finds the vein on the first try, thank god, and waits for the blood to drain as she tells a story about somebody once had to have blood taken from their toes from how hard it was to get from anywhere else in their body.

Phil decides that she sounds way too cheery telling a story like that, and it doesn’t help his phobia whatsoever.

Eventually she finishes up, patches him up with sticky tape and a cotton ball and tells him they’ll be back around when they get the results back. She leaves with an optimistic and wide smile and it makes Phil wonder if her cheeks hurt each day from having to do that so often.

Phil flops his head back onto the pillow. It’s nice but it’s not exactly home.

“I’ll go get us coffee’s, shall I?” Dan asks, already standing up.

Phil is too tired to give a proper response and simply holds up a thumb. Dan grabs it on the way out and pulls it with a little giggle before he leaves.

Phil sighs, looking around the room. There’s a few daunting machines surrounding his bed but thankfully none of them seem to be switched on. His bedsheets are a little itchy and the gown he’s wearing is a little drafty. He wants to go home, curl up with Dan and treat himself to the biggest, most greasiest pizza he can get his hands on.

He smiles at the thought and touches his belly.

*

Two hours pass by slowly. Dan leaves and comes back with their phone charges and the switch, just in case. Phil plays a little bit of Zelda but gets bored easily. His stomach hurts again and he feels tired and sick and bored.

Phil’s been pestering Dan for the last hour to go find a doctor and ask if maybe they had the results yet, but Dan had told him to be patient and to give it time. Two hours had passed and Phil is quick to start pestering again.

Dan is telling him to shush when suddenly the door opens and Doctor Parsons and the nurse from earlier standing in the doorway.

His face is a little pale, grey, almost and the nurse has quite a shocked look on her face.

Dan sits up in seat. 

“Mr Lester,” Doctor Pearson starts before he clears his throat and tries to force a smile. “We may have to receive some more blood from you if that is okay?”

Phil opens his mouth but it’s Dan that speaks first.

“What? Why?”

Pearson looks at him from over his glasses. “Just… protocall, is all.”

The nurse is already getting another needle ready and Phil squirms in his bed at the sight. He really does not want another needle in him after today.

“What’s wrong? Why can’t you use the blood you took earlier?” Dan’s standing up now, getting rather close to the doctor and Phil wishes he could tell him to calm down but right now he’s feeling how Dan’s acting, on the inside.

Why are they taking more blood? Why did they have to wait two hours? Will they have to wait again?

The nurse readies his other arm and tells him once again how it’ll only be a sharp scratch. Except this time Phil’s not really scared about the pain. He’s scared about the result of that pain.

The nurse takes his blood and hands it over to Doctor Pearson’s who looks at it and nods, seemingly satisfied. 

Dan seems to erupt. “Can someone please explain what the fuck is going on?”

Phil flinches at the harshness of his words. “Dan,” he says softly. He feels faint again.

Doctor Pearson clears his throat and pushes his glasses up his nose and looks at Dan with a stern look.

“Some traces of hormones were found in Mr Lester’s blood. We need a second vital of blood samples to indicate that our findings match the previous sample.”

Phil swallows thickly. “Hormones?” He asks, his voice sounds far away and small. “What hormones?”

Doctor Pearson looks right at him and it makes Phil want to shrink away from him under this bed.

“Estrogen. Progesterone. Mr Lester, you wouldn’t be taking any supplements that contained these hormones, would you?”

Phil stutters. He has zero idea what those things are, he knows he takes a few vitamin tablets with his breakfast to keep his joints loose and he has a few that keep his hair thick but he’s never heard of those ones before, not off the top of his head. He looks to Dan for guidance who already has his face screwed up.

“Wha- why the hell would Phil take those kinds of tablets? That doesn’t even make sense!”

The doctor hums as he looks back at Dan again. “Exactly, which is why we needed another sample for testing.”

Phil feels completely lost.

“Will it take long?” Dan is asking.

The doctor shakes his head. “No. We’ll send this over straight away as an emergency. It shouldn’t be too much of a wait this time.”

Dan is humming and nodding his head and Phil feels like he might explode.

“Sorry,” Phil says and his voice feels loud and cutting. “But what the fuck is going on here please?”

Dan, the doctor and the nurse all turn their heads to look at him like they’d suddenly remembered he was there in the room with them.

Doctor Pearson clears his throat as he turns to look at Phil, his stance is confrontation and it makes Phil feels so small.

“Estrogen and progesterone were found in the first sample of blood we took from you, which is… concerning to say the least.”

Phil is still bewildered.

“Estrogen and progesterone are the hormones usually found in…” the doctor takes a small breath before he continues. “Pregnant women, Mr Lester.”

“Which is why it is absolutely absurd and there has obviously been some sort of a mix up here,” Dan butts in with a dark kind of chuckle, waving his hand around in the air like he usually does when he gets a little agitated.

“Yes, Mr Howell. It would be absurd, which is why we’ll be taking this off for testing, just to make sure.” Doctor Pearson says, a little clipped.

“Thank you, Doctor. How long would that take do you know?” Phil asks, cutting through the slight tension in the room with a gentle smile.

“Not too long, as I said before, we’ll process this as fast as we can to make sure we get to the bottom of this, hm?”

Dan thanks him tiredly and Doctor Pearson eventually leaves with the nurse and the second sample of blood that Phil has given up in the last few hours. The nurse advises him to give her a call if he’s feeling any more faint and Phil promises to make sure he does.

Dan slumps back into his chair with a groan and all Phil can do for now is lay back in his bed and wait.

*  
Doctor Pearson isn’t long at all. Phil isn’t sure how much time has passed; time seems to blur together here in the hospital, but the look on the doctor's face when he comes back in the room as Phil’s stomach sinking all the way to his feet.

He’s being told he needs to have a series of X-rays and scans and a few more tests meaning he’ll be emitted overnight.

Phil can only nod and agree whilst Dan puffs up his chest and asks a series of questions that Doctor Pearson just doesn’t seem to have the answers to. Phil is blocking out the panic in Dan’s voice and is only paying attention to his own internal panic in his head that’s swirling around like a massive tornado of doom.

He doesn’t even notice the doctor has left until he hears the door shut softly.

“What the fuck?” He hears Dan speak, his voice is light and shaky and it makes the ground beneath Phil feel shaken and jolted.

“Dan, stop panicking,” Phil tells him in a quiet voice. He feels sick and his whole body feels it’s covered in needles.

He feels like he’s about to pop, and Dan is the biggest thorn that’s prompting that.

Dan’s pacing the end of the bed. The squeak of his trainers on the floor is starting to do his head in.

“It’s just… weird, Phil. It’s fucking weird. I can’t help panic, okay? I’m scared.”

His voice has gone all high again like it does when he gets like this.

Phil lets out a breath.

“And you don’t think I’m panicking right now?” He asks, his voice a little clipped. He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

It’s been a horribly long day

Dan stops in his tracks, giving Phil a sad look before he joins Phil, sitting back down in his little plastic chair.

He takes Phil’s hand in his and runs his thumb over his knuckles.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. Under the lights, Phil can see the wetness of his eyes. He wishes he wouldn’t cry. He wishes they were back at home instead, eating pizza and watching crap on TV.

“Maybe you should call my mum,” Phil tells him. Dan’s been sat here all day cooped up like a dog that’s about to go ballistic.

Maybe that’ll get Dan out of his head for a little bit: a nice chat with Kath.

Dan sniffs, holding back his unfallen tears and nods.

“Yeah,” he tells him. “I’ll give her a call, let her know what’s going on.”

Phil smiles at him. “Go on then.”

Dan stands up, not before he leans down and presses a kiss into Phil’s hair which he’s sure is a drooping mess.

“Don’t die whilst I’m gone,” Dan tells him as he pulls his phone out of his pocket.

Phil snorts. “I’ll try not to.”

*  
Dan comes back from talking to Kath with red eyes and a sniffly nose. Phil asks him if he’s okay and Dan jokes about how he had to put up a fight to stop his mother-in law catching the next flight over.

Phil laughs. He misses his mum. He loves Dan taking care of him but when he’s poorly and scared like this there’s no place like his mama’s arms.

He’s talking to Dan about his mum, listening to what she had to say to keep his mind off of things when the nurse comes back into the room and explains that they’re going to be taking him to have his scans and X-ray.

Phil takes a steady breath and tells him he’s ready, even though he feels the bubble of anxiety rise up inside of him.

He has an X-ray first, scanning his lungs, and then he has a CAT scan that scares him a little bit. He’s poked and prodded all whilst Dan waiting as patiently as he could. 

Phil could practically hear his pacing footsteps from the other side of the hospital.

He is eventually taken to the scan where a nurse explains he’ll have to lay down flat on the bed and have his gown rolled up to his chest.

She kindly offers him a sheet of paper to cover over his pants and he lays there in the dim room, feeling strangely exposed as she fusses around with the machine.

“Right, this gel is a little cold, I’m just gonna put it on your stomach, is that alright?”

Phil nods, bracing himself for the coolness of the gel, but it doesn’t stop him flinching when he feels it on his skin and they both chuckle a little.

She smiles at him, taking the scanner and running it across his abdomen. He’s sure these are the kinds of machines they use for baby scans and he huffs a little laugh. He can’t see the screen from where he’s flat back on the bed but he can see the nurses face watch it carefully.

“So what can you see with this kind of machine?” He asks, cutting through the silence of the closed-off room.

Her face brightens, almost like she had been waiting for him to ask.

“I can see your stomach, a lot of vital organs with one of these machines. They’re very attentive.”

Phil hums. “So you don’t just use them for pregnant people?” He asks.

She shakes her head and her tight brown curls bounce off her shoulders.

“Oh no, these are very useless for things other than that,” she assures him and Phil grins. 

“So I’m not pregnant then?” He jokes.

She moves the stick across his tummy and lets out a hearty laugh.

Until she stops, her giggles die right where they hang in the air and Phil’s heart kicks against his chest.

“What—“ he begins to say but she shakes her head and lets out a nervous laugh.

She shifts in her seat and moves the stick slowly and carefully.

“It’s just…” she begins but she cuts herself off as she leans forward, face close to the screen.

Phil wants to ask what the hell is going on but he’s too afraid to ask.

His head is conjuring images of massive tumours, cancer wrapped around his belly and killing him from the inside out.

He wants to be sick again.

She presses a few keys and uses shaky hands to rip a few wipes out of a little box and hands them to Phil.

“If you’d like to clean yourself up, I’ll send these over to your doctor.”

She’s avoiding looking him in the eyes, her gaze is fixed to the floor and Phil feels his tummy do an uncomfortable turn.

They don’t say another word to one another and Phil is taken back to his room where Dan is waiting for him.

*

Phil is in the middle of breaking everything down to Dan about each test and scan and tells him about the worried look the last nurse had. Dan ends up with his head in his hands, looking like he might just break apart if he doesn’t understand what’s going on soon.

Phil feels the same way.

The door creeps in and it’s Doctor Pearson’s. He has a sullen look on his face and his glasses have almost slipped off his long, crooked nose.

He looks completely frazzled.

“Mr Lester,” he addresses him. Even his voice sounds tired.

He takes a seat beside Phil’s bedside and his eyes flicker from Dan to Phil.

“I can conclude after our series of tests today that we have found… some unsettling news.”

His voice wavers just as Phil’s vision seems to sway, like his brain just did a somersault inside his skull.

Dan leans so far forward in his seat that is squeaks under his weight, as if he’s hanging off the edge with anticipation. Phil feels a similar way.

“Mr Lester with our ultrasound scan, we detected a small abnormality,” Doctor Pearson starts and Phil sucks in a breath. 

“Between the urinary bladder and the rectum we discovered a shadow.”

Phil can only nod. Dan’s hand slips into his and grips it tight.

“At first we believed it could be some sort of muscle mass, perhaps a tumour but it would be undecided until a full biopsy could be completed,” the doctor continues.

Phil's heart is kicking against his chest hard and fast enough that it feels like it might explode out of his ribs.

“However,” the doctors voice cuts through his thoughts like a knife. “After we had a closer look we realised… this was not the case.”

Phil blinks at him, finding the courage to glance at Dan beside him. His face is pale and unsure.

Phil squeezes his hand and Dan squeezes back.

“Mr Lester, upon further examination of our test results it appears that you are quite the abnormality.”

Phil frowns. “What do you mean by that?” He asks.

Doctor Pearson slides his glasses up his nose with a shirt fat finger and his eyes flicker from Phil to Dan and back to Phil again.

“Mr Lester, the shadow in your abdomen was not a tumour or mass as we once suspected…” he pauses. 

“You have a fully formed uterus.”

It’s like white noise floods his head, filling up like water in a balloon until it expands so wide and so tight it just pops.

He feels Dan’s hand slip away from his.

“Excuse me?” Phil manages to say. His words feel like they’re falling out of his mouth and he has no control over what he’s even thinking or saying at this point.

Doctor Pearson’s clears his throat and must do his best to give him a sympathetic look.

But it doesn’t help much because right now it feels like the bottom of the world just dropped from underneath him.

“Here,” the doctor says, pulling a sheet out of the file in his hands. “These are the scans from earlier today,” he says handing them to Phil.

To him they’re just a blur of black and white, everything is intangible and unclear and Phil is still confused as to what is happening.

“A uterus?”

He looks back to the doctor. He’s not sure he can even face looking at Dan right now.

“It appears to be fully formed, alongside a small ovary above it,” he tells him, explaining like it’s something normal.

“How… how….”

The words he’s trying to form don’t seem to appear; they’re squished down inside his head, and it’s like a switch goes off and they’re all blended together to make mush. Nothing is making sense and Phil feels like he might keel over and leak all that mush if his head doesn’t catch up soon.

“How the hell has this happened?” Dan asks instead. It’s evident that right now he’s feeling particularly vocal on the issue and whilst Phil is figuring out how to stop his head from overflowing, he lets Dan speak for him.

Doctor Pearson clears his throat again. “We deal with a lot of intersex patients, Mr Lester,” he begins to explain.

“A lot of the time a patient may show the physical features of each genitalia, usually outside their body.”

Phil nods weakly.

“Other times it can be a hormonal imbalance,” Doctor Pearson adds. “Those are the more… common factors of intersex.”

Phil frowns at him. “So you’re saying I’m uncommon then?”

Doctor Pearson’s shifts in his seat, an uncomfortable look flashes across his face as he fails to look him in the eye. Phil wouldn’t blame him, this is a fucking weird thing to have to explain, but it’s Phil that’s going through this right now, not him.

“There hasn't been a great deal of cases in which a uterus and ovary has been discovered along with fully developed male genitals,” he tells Phil, looking at him again. “We’ve had people who have perhaps half formed, maybe just the ovary or parts of different pieces but with you…”

He trails off looking down again where he glasses slip down and he pushes them back up.

“Is it dangerous?” Dan speaks and Phil looks to him. His face is pasty and he looks frantic almost. 

“Should we have it removed?”

Phil’s stomach flips.

We.

Every decision in their lives was a joint effort. They’d talk it out and decide together and communicate. But right now the word “we” felt daunting and pressuring and Phil didn’t like it.

“In a case where a person would have the uterus, we’d suggest a removal, just to be safe from any kind of masses that may grow there due to inactivity.”

Phil glances at Dan and back to the doctor.

“But…” Phil whispers.

Doctor Pearson looks down again and then back up again.

“But Mr Lester, right now from what we can see from your scans, it appears that you are approximately five weeks pregnant.”

Phil’s whole entire world sways violently and he feels like he might actually be sick now.

Doctor Pearson is looking at him from above his glasses, like he’s watching a wild animal and how it might react from being poked with a stick.

Phil hopes this is a joke. Like the joke is the doctors stick and he’s just gaging some sort of insane reaction.

It’s Dan who eventually speaks first.

“What?”

He sounds devastated. And Phil can’t blame him. The word is buzzing around his head, bashing about on his skull and ringing in his ears like a fire alarm.

“I know it’s a bit of a shock,” Doctor Pearson finally speaks. “But it appears you had an active egg, and in this instance that it has been fertilised.”

He’s speaking like it’s something he should know. He knows about eggs and ovaries and all that stuff and how it works.

He just never thought it would apply to him until now.

“I need some fresh air,” Phil finally speaks. His voice is thick and wobbly and there’s a hand on his arm. He looks to his side and it’s Dan, of course. His fingers are trembling and his face is pulled downwards.

“Mr Lester, I understand your concern at this moment,” Doctor Pearson says, stopping him from bolting you and out.

He’s not sure his legs would be able to make it, but he wants to. He wants to just run and keep running until he reaches some sort of dead end, a million miles away from his hospital room.

“I just want you to know that your health is our top most priority, here. You know that, hm?”

His words seem to just float above his head. They’re meaningless and hold no weight. He simply just nods and tell Phil he’ll be back later to talk to him with a specialist that might be some help with his condition.

His condition. He has a condition now because his biology is wonky and has been for the last 32 years of his life, and he’s never known about now.

Anyone else and it’d be something to cry about. Anyone else and they’d feel that bubble of excitement that they were having a baby. A little life to take care of and love and call theirs.

But instead of all of that, Phil just wants to walk and maybe cry.

*

Phil is happy to get back into his normal clothes. They make him feel a bit better and he’s starting to lose the smell of hospital on him. 

They don’t walk far, instead they stop by the little cafeteria, grab a couple of bottles of water and walk outside in silence.

It’s cold out and Dan throws his coat onto Phil before he has a chance to protest.

Phil sighs. He doesn’t want this: being nursed and babied at this extreme by Dan.

They walk and walk until they’re passing the smoking area and he feels Dan’s hand on the crook of his arm as he guides him away.

Phil touches at his stomach for a brief second before he’s pulling Dan’s coat around his middle tighter as the wind blows cold against him.

They reach an abandoned bench; the bin beside them is overflowing and kinda smelly but it’s the least of their problems right now. Phil can put up with a stinky hospital car park bin in favour of whatever the hell is going on here right now.

Cars pass them and a few ambulances pull up and roll away across the car park.

Phil lets out a long drawn out sigh and he feels Dan look at him from where he’s sat next to him.

“Fuck,” he sighs again, leaning back on the bench to stretch out his legs. The metal is hard against his back and he feels all sorts of uncomfortable; inside and out.

“Phil,” Dan’s voice floats up beside him. It’s meek and quiet and unsure and when Phil turns his head to look at him, he’s the picture of genuine fear.

“What are we gonna do?” He whispers, his breath comes out in little wisps of frozen air. It’s almost pretty if the situation they were in wasn’t considered.

Phil rests his head in his hands, letting his elbows dig into his thighs as he groans into his palms, pushing them against his eyes to stop him from crying.

“This can’t be happening,” he hears Dan say. “This can’t be real, it’s some sick joke?” He continues. “Right?”

Phil doesn’t say anything nor does he move. His just sits there, hands over his eyes, pushing down into his sockets until flashes and shapes burst behind his eyelids. When he was a kid he’d do the same thing, bump into the wall trying to go get Martyn and tell him he was going to a whole new universe.

That’s what Phil wants now. He wants to get up and go, a different universe where he and that smaller version of himself didn’t have something wrong inside of him that would change everything.

“God,” he chokes, his voice is strangled and no matter how hard he pushes, tears manage to escape him. They drop off his face and land on the dirty tarmac beneath his trainers.

There’s a hand on his back, gentle and loving.

“You know it’ll be alright?” Dan says, clearly doing his best to assure him. He’s maybe just saying it outloud to convince himself but Phil doesn’t care anyway. 

“The doctors will take care of you. All it is is one simple procedure, they’ll take it out and it’s gone forever.”

His voice is edging on something cheery and hopeful, like he’s pushing himself to be that way. A facade of sorts to boost morality.

Phil pulls his head up and looks at Dan.

“Take it out?” He asks.

Dan gulps. “Yeah,” he nods. “They’ll remove it for you Phil, it’ll be okay.”

The car park feels too busy for his head right now. He wants to just run his eyes and be eight years old again and pretend that galaxies existed inside him but there were no galaxies or other worlds. 

Just a different body part and now… a different body.

“Dan,” Phil says weakly. His tears keep slipping down his cheeks and it’s so cold out that they almost sting.

His eyes flicker across Dan’s face and Dan watches him so carefully. It’s a whole conversation with not a word uttered.

Dan must understand because he’s letting out a little gasp and jumping back a touch.

“Phil,” he says, a shake of his head and voice firm.

“Phil, you can’t be serious.”

Phil’s breath stutters and he wipes away his tears with the back of his hand.

“Listen to me,” he starts to say but Dan cuts him off with a vicious shake of his head.

“No. No, Phil, that’s so fucking dangerous, no.” 

His voice is shaking and it seems he is too, it’s more visible when he suddenly gets to his feet and looks down at Phil sat on the bench still.

It feels overpowering.

“You cannot be serious, Phil, Doctor Pearson’s told us that we had an option to remove it incase of any kind of complications and you’re absolutely mad to think otherwise,” he says, voice trembling as he rants.

Dan takes a shaky step back and Phil stands to be at eye level with him.

He opens his mouth to speak but Dan’s already jumped down his throat, butting in before he has a chance.

“I know it’s scary, and it’s weird, and it’s so fucking terrifying but I’m here, okay?” He says as his own tears begin to fall now. “I’m here and I need you to be brave, okay? Because I’m not losing you. Not like this.”

His chest heaves. A few people pass them but nobody is really taking any notice.

Phil takes a steady breath.

“Dan…” he says softly but Dan shakes his head again, his lips purse and he’s practically scowling at him.

“I can’t believe this right now,” Dan’s hiccuping. “How… selfish you’re being.”

That’s the final nail in the coffin for Phil, and Dan must understand that because he’s shaking his head once more and turning away, waving his hand in dismissal like the conversation is over.

It’s far from over in Phil’s mind and he’s quick to follow Dan as he crosses the car park with wide steps.

“I’m being selfish?!” Phil raises his voice as he continues to follow him. “I’m the one being selfish am I?”

Dan’s head is down. “You’re just not listening to me is all,” he mumbles. It only makes Phil’s flame grow higher.

“You’re not even listening to me at all,” Phil argues.

“Phil, we’re not arguing right now,” Dan tells him as the approach the hospital once more, his voice is now lower and calmer than before. “Doctor Pearson’s probably waiting for us.”

They pass a group of people on their phones, chatting idly. They’re all living their lives and Phil feels mad. He feels utterly mad. None of these people here know what he’s going through right now. Nobody get it like Phil gets it. Not them, not nobody, not even Dan, apparently.

“Fuck Doctor Pearson’s,” Phil spits and that’s what Dan stops in his tracks.

He spins around on his heel and goes wide eyed at Phil’s remark. He’s still seething and one little cuss word out loud isn’t going to dampen his temper.

“You’re acting irrational,” Dan tells him annoyingly. “Come inside and just lay down again, yeah?”

It seems he’s trying to bargain with Phil and maybe defuse the situation a little, but Phil’s not going out without a fight.

Not until Dan has to hear what he has to say. Even if it is in front of all these random people, he’ll say it.

“Dan,” he says, standing his ground. “I’m not going back in there.”

Dan blinks at him. “Yes you are,” he argues back. 

But Phil shakes his head.

“Not until you listen to me.”

Dan gulps and he glances around at the people here. They’re not paying attention to them anyway, and whatever Phil has to say he can say it to anyone. He’ll scream it from the hospital roof if need be.

“Dan, this whole thing is… it’s fucked, okay. Trust me, I’m a weird guy and even this is throwing me a little,” he says. Dan’s hanging onto every word.

“But Dan, when things get weird and strange we’ve always taken the best out of the situation, haven’t we?” 

Dan’s face softens. “But Phil,” he starts but Phil cuts him off again.

“No buts,” he tells him. “You know what we’ve gone through. You know we’ve always managed to come out on top, albeit a little scratched and bruised,” he chuckles through tears and Dan does the same.

He takes a breath. “But we’ve always done it together.”

They stand in silence for a moment as he allows Dan to hear the words he’s spoken.

“Dan, we might not be ready to do this. We might face some shit and maybe it’ll be worth it in the end and maybe it won’t,” he says.

“But it’s me, Dan. I get to decide. It’s me, okay. You’re part of it, you always will, but it’s up to me now.”

Dan hiccups and tears stream down his cheeks and he’s quick to wipe them away with his hand.

“I want to do this. I want to try this and I’m willing to make a leap of faith, just like we always do with anything else in our life.”

He looks at Dan, standing there in the cold, cheeks red and tear stained.

“You just have to decide if you’re jumping with me,” Phil whispers.

Dan’s face crumples and he’s walking the two steps between them and pulling Phil into a hug.

He starts to sob into his neck when Phil wraps his arms around him, pulling him in tight.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says into the coat hood, voice muffled and sad. “I’m sorry, I love you so much.”

Phil starts to cry too, he places a hand on the back of his head, cradling carefully.

“I love you too,” he tells him.

They pull away, and Phil brushes away a tear from his face with his thumb.

“I love you, I don’t want to have you get hurt,” Dan whimpers.

Phil cups his hand and rubs his fingers at his cheekbone.

“We say stop and we stop, yeah?” He assures him.

Dan nods, then, he laughs. A few more tears escape him and he’s laughing.

It makes Phil laugh too.

“You’re— Phil, we're ...we're gonna be dads.”

His voice cracks and Phil laughs. “God, yeah, we are.”

They hold each other once more outside the hospital entrance where people pass them. They don’t let go, they don’t need to let go for some while still whilst they cry and laugh and hold one another.

Phil feels a sense of excitement knowing that inside him, a little half grown fetus is sandwiched between him and Dan.

That’s where it begins, he supposes, and as time passes, it’ll always remain that way.

**Author's Note:**

> huge thank you to grey @wekingsandprettythings for basically holding my hand and being my biggest cheerleader :')
> 
> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


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